Exit Lights
by MathematicSunset
Summary: Cindy is in a dead end relationship with an abusive man, and she is falling for someone new. Can she escape hell?
1. 1: Islander

Cindy looked herself over in the mirror and tried to fight back the tears. Her head was pounding, the beginnings of a massive migraine starting to appear. She made herself move out of the bathroom and into her room, only to fall onto her bed and stare at the window. She took a deep breath to keep from crying, but it was useless. Her whole body hurt, and even in the dark she could tell that there were bruises forming. Bruises that she wouldn't know how to explain. She couldn't exactly think of a decent way to tell Lindsay that her boyfriend beat the hell out of her because she said she thought she might be a lesbian. Or that she might have mentioned to him that she was interested in someone else. Arik had a temper. One which happened to go up a few notches after he had been drinking. It wasn't the first time she found herself in her cold apartment all alone and bruised. It was however the first time she had found herself there feeling like she could just end her life at any given moment. It was something she hadn't felt since she was a teenager, and it was a feeling she didn't like, because she knew she had it in her to follow through on anything. Her gaze drifted to the alarm clock. Five fifteen in the morning. Sleeping wasn't even a choice anymore. She would just have to get up in an hour to go about her normal life. She could always spend that time thinking up excuses for the bruise on her face. She should report him, because he would do this again. Even if he came back when he was sober and said he wouldn't, he would. She had believed him the first three times. Then she learnt. It's why she was glad the other club members never asked to come to her place. That would never be a good thing. She rolled onto her back and almost screamed as a sharp pain ran up her side. She ran her fingers over her left ribcage and inhaled sharply. Broken ribs. She should get them checked out, but all the paperwork that would piss Arik off all over again was not worth it. She would down a handful of aspirin before she left for work and pray that it helped the pain. Her phone began to ring and she felt like throwing it out the window. Her mood slightly changed for the better when she saw that it was Lindsay calling. She pushed the accept button. "Hello?"

"Did I wake you up?"

"No. I was up. What's going on?"

"Well, I know you like to run, and I feel like going for a run, and you seem like you would be better company that Mr. FBI Guy. So, can I swing by and we can go for a nice morning run?"

Cindy was quiet for a moment. "Sure. Do you know where I live?"

"Yeah. I found out one of the times you got cuffed." She said, a smile in her voice. "It should take me about 20 minutes to jog over there. See you then?"

"I'll be out front." Cindy said, smiling. She hung up and slowly got up off the bed, suddenly remembering her injuries. "Shit." She said, looking for her jogging clothes. Shoe carefully put them on and headed out of the apartment and down the stairs slowly to wait for Lindsay. She found herself leaning against the wall and almost dozing off as Lindsay approached.

"Hey." She said, stopping in front of the short redhead. Cindy looked up, prepared for the questioning. Lindsay looked at her face as the bruise registered. "I'll make you a deal, reporter. You just keep me company on this jog, and I won't ask." She said, trying to smile.

"Deal." Cindy replied. "I might not be able to go that fast. I kind of walked into my table and banged my knee." Lindsay glanced at her and she knew the Inspector knew she was lying, but thankfully, she didn't question anything. As they took off down the street, Cindy kept her gaze straight ahead.

"What's on your mind?" Lindsay asked, treading the conversation carefully.

"Far too much. It was a bad day yesterday, and I didn't get any sleep at all last night. So hopefully when we get back a shower will wake me up so I don't fall asleep at my desk today." She laughed and gently put her hand on her ribs to dull the pain as much as she could. Lindsay came to a stop and looked at the younger woman.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just a little pain in my side. Nothing big." She said, smiling. Lindsay turned her towards her and gently ran her hands along her left side. The second they made contact with her ribs, she winced.

"Okay, that isn't your knee." She stated, not smiling anymore. "What happened?"

"I don't know." Cindy lied, turning to continue on.

"No, you do not get to say that you don't know and then drop the subject. Why are your ribs bruised, if not broken? And I know I said I wouldn't ask, but does your face have something to do with this?" Cindy moved to a bench and sat down. Lindsay quietly followed her. "You trust me, right?" Cindy nodded. "Then tell me. Please?"

"No. Because I don't want anyone to have to worry about my personal problems."

"Oh, so you can barge into ours but we have to stay out of yours?"

"Yeah." Cindy said, standing up and beginning to walk back towards her apartment. Lindsay followed her the entire way and almost slammed into Cindy as she stopped. "Lindsay, please go, now." She whispered, seeing Arik walking towards them. "Now!"

"Well, dear, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" Arik said, wrapping an arm gently around Cindy's shoulders.

"Uhm, Arik, this is Inspector Lindsay Boxer. Linz, this is my boyfriend Arik." She said, her voice quiet. "Thanks for the jog. I will see you later." She said, letting Arik lead her into the building. When they were at their apartment, he pressed Cindy to the wall.

"An Inspector?"

"Arik, I didn't tell her anything. She is a friend and we just went for a morning run. That is all." She said, tears in her eyes. "I promise." He looked at her carefully before unlocking the apartment and shoving her inside. She moved to go into the bedroom but he stopped her.

"Where do you think you are going?"

"To shower and change for work."

"No. You are calling in sick today." He snarled, pushing her onto the couch. "Don't wanna risk you seeing your little Inspector again and telling something you know you shouldn't."


	2. 2: Into The Ice Cave

"Ms. Thomas, if this keeps up, you won't have a job to come back to." Her editor said, his voice showing a slight hint of sadness.

"I am really sorry." She said, holding the phone to her ear with her shoulder as she dug through her bag. She listened to his rant for a few more minutes and then disconnected. Arik was in the bedroom passed out on the bed, so Cindy was taking the opportunity to try and get some work done from home so she could somehow manage to keep her job. Every time there was a noise from the bedroom she would freeze with her fingers hovering above her laptop. Her phone buzzed on her knee and she picked it up. "Hello?" She said, her voice barely above a whisper. Loud enough for the person on the phone to hear, but not loud enough to worry about waking Arik up.

"It's weird, you know, being at a crime scene but not seeing a certain pesky redheaded reporter hovering around." Lindsay said, a slight hint of worry in her voice.

"I am feel a bit under the weather. So I am sitting in my living room typing like a maniac on my laptop to make sure I have a job to go back to when I get better."

"Does this have anything to do with your ribs?"

"No." Cindy said. "I told you, I just feel a little sick." She resumed typing as Lindsay sighed. "What?"

"Can I bring Claire by to check you out?"

Cindy stood up and glanced into the bedroom. "That wouldn't be good."

"Cindy.."

"Look, I will call you later, okay?" She didn't wait for a reply before hanging up. She heard Arik begin to move around and she shut off her laptop and laid on the couch in record time. He came into the living room and looked at her. "Afternoon." She whispered, slowly sitting up.

"Who were you on the phone with?"

"My editor. Trying to save my job." She said, forcing herself off of the couch and into the kitchen. "Coffee?"

"Yes." He followed her, and she was aware that he had slept off the alcohol finally. "Hey, come here for a minute." He whispered. She moved over to him and he gently wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry." He said, kissing the top of her head. He then let his hands move to her cheek. "I know you don't believe me, but for my sake can we pretend you do?"

"For your sake, and for my sanity, okay." She said, a small smile on her face. She finished making the coffee and followed him to the couch. He turned on the television and motioned for her to cuddle in with him. "Actually, I was going to ask if I can go have a friend check me out? It wouldn't involve reports or anything. But I might be able to get something for this pain." She let the words leave her mouth slowly.

"No reports at all." He said. "And be home by five, because I want to take you out to dinner and a movie." He said, standing up to kiss her. She leaned into the kiss and rested her forehead on his shoulder for a moment. "I love you. You know that, right?"

"I know." She smiled. As she grabbed her bag and jacket, she turned back towards him. "Five?" He nodded to her. She slowly made her way down the stairs and as she neared her car, Lindsay stepped out from the alley. "What the hell?!" Cindy yelled, jumping.

"Sorry." She said. "Thought you were under the weather?"

"I am going to see Claire." She replied.

"Well, come on. I will give you a ride." She said, guiding Cindy to the SUV. "Maybe you want to talk now?"

"Not really, no. I just want to get back home before five. Apparently Arik wants to take me out to dinner and a movie tonight." She said, bucking her seatbelt. They rode in silence and the second the vehicle was off, Cindy was out of the SUV and headed towards Claire's office. She knocked on the door and entered with Lindsay right behind her.

"Well?" Claire said, looking at Lindsay.

"I actually didn't have to force her to come down here. I caught her as she was about to head here herself."

"Then let's check you out." Claire said, gently holding onto Cindy's arm. As Claire poked and prodded, she tried to fight the tears in her eyes. After what seemed like hours, Claire made Cindy look at her. "You have three broken ribs and two bruised. That is really the worst of it. All I can say is to take it easy and aspirin." She glanced over Cindy's shoulder as the young woman left. Lindsay was staring at the floor. "What's on your mind?"

"Something is going on in that girls apartment, and I cannot get her to tell me what it is."

"Well, the more you push her the longer it is going to take her to open up to you." Claire said, going back into her office. "So why don't you give it up and let her come to you when she is ready."

"I hate when you say stuff like that." Lindsay said, leaving the office. She caught up with Cindy outside. "Need a ride back home?" She asked, smiling. Cindy nodded and wiped her eyes. The ride back to Cindy's apartment was even more quiet than on the way there and when Lindsay stopped in front of the building Cindy looked at her.

"Thanks." She whispered. "See you later." Lindsay watched her walk into the building and took a deep breath when the redhead was greeted by Arik. She flipped open her phone as she found a parking spot down the street.

"Claire, I really do not like leaving her alone with her boyfriend."

"Don't even think about staking her out."

"I would feel better if I did. Maybe just follow them to dinner and a movie tonight. I could use a break."

"Linz.."

"I will call you later. If this jerk is mistreating her, I am counting on you to bail me out of jail when I kick his ass." She flipped her phone shut and watched as Arik and Cindy walked down the street, thanking God that Cindy didn't recognize her car. She waited a few more minutes and then got out of her car so she could follow on foot. Arik had his arm wrapped around the redheads shoulders and Lindsay thought she looked a little tense every time he touched her. Part of Lindsay's fear was confirmed when Cindy said something to him and he gripped her upper arm tightly as he turned her to face him. It took all of her willpower to not run up to them and knock him out.


	3. 3: Aceramic

Cindy looked over Arik's shoulder and Lindsay knew she had been spotted. Not wanting to just run away, she walked up to them. "Lindsay. What are you doing here?" Cindy asked, a quizzical look on her face. Arik let go of her arm quickly. He plastered a smile onto his face and Lindsay had to resist the urge to slap him.

"Well, I was thinking about seeing a movie. And this part of the sidewalk happens to be on the way to the theatre. I figured a walk would do me good." She said, smiling. Cindy looked at Arik.

"Honey, can you walk ahead so I can have a little chat with Linz?" She asked, kissing his cheek. He walked about ten feet ahead of the two women. "Please, Lindsay, tell me you are not following me because of some absurd hunch."

"Why did he grab your arm so hard? I could see the pain on your face from where I was standing."

"I am not getting into this here!" Cindy said, her voice beginning to show her anger. "You shouldn't be following me! I am a big girl, Linz. I can take care of myself."

"Like you took care of yourself with those ribs?" Lindsay shot back, keeping her voice even. Cindy looked at her and then ahead of them to where Arik was walking.

"It's none of your business." She snapped and gently jogged up to Arik and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"It is if I love you." Lindsay whispered, still following them. A moment later, she stopped. "Cindy!" The redhead whispered something to Arik and moved back by the woman.

"What?"

"You're right. It's none of my business. So I will drop it. And while I am at it, how about I only talk to you when you are being the pesky reporter? And not let you have the inside scoop, because maybe that isn't your business until it is made public." She said, keeping eye contact with the redhead. "Does that sound fair? Because I think that sounds fair." She turned on her heel and walked off. Before Cindy could go back to Arik, she turned back around. "And when he beats the shit out of you to the point where you think you are going to die, or you are even wishing to die, don't come crying to me." She turned away again and once she had turned the corner, she reached up and wiped her eyes. When she reached her vehicle, she jumped when she saw Agent Ash standing there. "What the hell do you want?"

"Saw your little blowup back there." He said, his voice annoyingly monotone.

"Why can't you just let me be for one damn night?" She said, wrenching the door open and throwing herself into the vehicle. She had to lay off of the gas pedal at least ten times on the way back to her place. Once she was safely locked inside, she grabbed a bottle of beer and sat down on the couch. She knew she was going to regret what she had told Cindy, but she just couldn't help herself. It was bad enough she had admitted to thin air that she was in love with the reporter. She chugged half of her bottle of beer and felt another round of tears coming. She was glad no one was around to see her like this: a broken mess.

As they entered the apartment, Cindy went to go into the kitchen, but Arik stopped her with an arm around her waist. He pulled her to her and kissed her neck. "Arik, stop. You know my rule. I will live with you, and sleep in the same bed with you, but no sex." She said, trying to pull away. He was persistent and she was wishing that she hadn't pissed Lindsay off. She could use a cop about right now. "Arik! Stop!" She said, her voice slightly more panicked. He slammed her hard against the wall.

"Cindy, we can do this the easy way or you can fight me about this." He said, his face inches from hers. She took a deep breath.

"Fuck you." She said, trying to push him off of her.

"That's it! I have had with your attitude!" He yelled, backhanding her. She went to the floor and pulled herself into the corner, wishing it could protect her. He advanced on her and she began to cry. "No, you do not get to cry now. You brought this on yourself, so now you get to be a big girl and take your punishment!" He grabbed her arms and lifted her up, slamming her into the wall. She was sure from the pain that those bruised ribs had broken. He slammed her back again, and this time her head hit. She openly sobbed before she could stop herself. "Now, I will ask you, are we going to do this my way or yours?"

She pushed him off of her and made her way out of the apartment. She was almost to the stairs when he grabbed her arm. "Arik, please." She pleaded, trying to worm out of his grip. She brought her knee up and caught him right between the legs and took the opportunity to run down the stairs as fast as she could, ignoring the searing pain from her ribcage. She reached the street and fought in her pocket for her keys. She got into her car and locked the door seconds before Arik came out of the building. His hand was on the roof of the car as she put it into gear and drove off. She knew she couldn't go to Lindsay, and that she should go to the hospital, but she didn't want to go alone. Before she realized it, she found herself parked in front of Claire's house. She forced herself out of the car and went down on one knee on the sidewalk. She laid down on her back and pulled out her phone, searching through the phonebook to find Claire's number. After two rings, Claire picked up. "Claire, please, come outside." She whispered, tears streaming down her face. She let her arm fall to her side. It hurt to keep it up. She heard the front door open.

"Cindy!" She could distinctly tell Nate had beaten his mother outside. "Mom! Get out here!" He yelled. He came into Cindy's line of vision, closely followed by Claire.

"Cindy, honey, what happened?" Claire asked, moving to help Cindy up.

"No, I don't want to move. It hurts to move. God, it hurts to breathe." She said, her voice quiet.

"Nate, get inside and call an ambulance. Now!"

"Claire, I want Lindsay. But, she is mad at me. So I couldn't go to her."

"Honey, shh. Just take some deep breaths." Claire said, gently feeling her ribs.

"They broke, didn't they?" She said, closing her eyes as an ambulance approached. As the paramedics carefully got her into the ambulance, she looked at Claire. "Call Lindsay." She said, her eyes pleading with the older woman.


	4. 4: Ghosts Of Seaside

Lindsay looked at her phone as it rang again. She hit the ignore call button and tossed it to the other end of the couch. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She wanted to lie on her couch and wallow in her stupidity. She went into the kitchen and got another beer. She was on her fifth, she thought. Might have been seventh. She wasn't counting anymore. She just wanted to forget everything she had said to Cindy. She wanted to show up on her doorstep, and pull the younger woman to her and, as silly as it sounded, kiss her senseless. She laughed aloud at the thought, cause Martha to pick her head up and look at her strange owner. The phone began ringing again and Lindsay flipped it open. "What?!"

"Learn to answer your damn phone!" Jill said, half-yelling. "Cindy is in the hospital. She has some broken ribs and other various new bruises. She has been asking for you since she almost passed out on Claire's front yard. So, even if you are pissed at her, you need to get your ass down here and see her."

"Can't. Been drinking. In no shape to drive or go anywhere. Besides, I stand by what I said. I don't care anymore."

"Stop being a cold-hearted bitch just because you are so determined to believe that she doesn't love you as much as you love her. Claire said she would have gone to you, had you not, in a sense, wiped your hands clean of her. Stop wallowing in your self-pity and sleep off the beer. Then get your ass down here and see her. She needs you."

"She should have thought of that before."

"What is your problem?!"

"Her!"

"That isn't a good enough answer, Linz." Jill was quiet for a moment. "I am going to come over there, and you are going to sit down and talk to me. Understand?"

"Whatever." She ended the call and made sure to put her phone on silent before setting it onto the table. Somewhere near a half an hour, and two more beers later, there was a knock on the door. Lindsay got up and let Jill in and then resumed her spot on the couch, gently scratching Martha's ears. Jill moved the chair so she was across the coffee table from Lindsay.

"Tell me what is going through your mind right now."

"Why would she stay with him if he continuously does this to her? I mean, she seems like she would have enough common sense to get out of there. But no, instead she stays and ends up in the hospital!"

"She is scared of him, Linz. I would be too. From what she has told Claire and myself, he dictates her life, and she lets him just to keep him happy. To keep her safe."

"I can see how well that is working." Lindsay said dryly.

"Shut up." Jill said. "Look, do you want the story of how she ended up on Claire's front lawn, or do you just want to sit here and drown everything?" Lindsay was quiet for a moment before she nodded to Jill to continue. "Apparently, things were going great until they came home and he wanted to have sex. Did you know she made a vow to herself that even if she was living with him, she wouldn't sleep with him? Well, he didn't like that rule anymore and he flipped. She barely made it out of there with her life, Lindsay, and you know what she told us? The whole while all she wanted was to see you running to help her. She cares about you."

"Then does she find it funny that when she blew me off earlier, if basically was the equivalent of her ripping my heart out, dropping it in a bucket of dry ice and water and then decided it would be fun to throw it off of the Golden Gate Bridge?"

"Wonderful analogy." Jill said. "Linz, she doesn't know how you feel about her. You don't exactly ooze it. I mean, I think at some point she has had a suspicion about it, but never anything concrete to prove it. Which might be part of the reason she hasn't left Arik. She is waiting for a safe haven to appear. And if you keep acting like this, that safe haven is never going to appear for her and she won't know what else to do. I know she is a grown woman, but inside, Lindsay, she's lost. Because she is stuck in this relationship with a jackass. Pining for someone she thinks will never come save her."

"How do you know all of this?"

"When you are willing to offer an ear and a shoulder to cry on, you learn a lot. She told me she would rather be spilling everything to you, but that I had to do because you obviously don't care anymore. She said that she was back to being the pesky reporter to you. She has tried to hard over the past eight months to get that image away from her so you would see her as a human. A human with feelings. Claire and I see it, but you are obviously just a little bit too stupid to realize it. So get your shit together, grow up a little bit more, and go tell her how you feel before you lose her completely." Jill stood up and left, leaving Lindsay staring at the opposite wall with tears in her eyes once again. She finally found the energy to stand up and make her way to her bed. She laid on top of the covers and fell into a fitful sleep. Jill was right. She needed to grow up just a little bit more and tell Cindy how she felt. She couldn't lay around crying about it forever, even if she wanted to. When she awoke, the sun was shining right into her eyes. She trudged into the living room and grabbed her phone. After fussing with it to get it to dial Jill, she sat on the couch. "Yeah?"

"She still in the hospital?"

"Yes. Doctor wants to keep her for a couple days to make sure everything checks out." She said. "You going to see her?"

"I guess."

"I'll give Claire the heads up. Cindy wouldn't let her leave last night."

"I will call you later." Lindsay flipped her phone shut and grabbed her keys. She had no idea what she was going to say when she got there, but she had a good drive time to think about it.


	5. 5: Circlewinds

Lindsay stuck her head in the doorway and smiled at Claire. Cindy looked to be sound asleep on the bed. She entered the room and Claire squeezed her shoulder as she left the room. Lindsay sat down in the chair by the bed and looked at the redhead. She had fresh bruises on her face and even in her sleep, she had a look of pain on her face. As Lindsay was about to doze off, Cindy woke up and smiled at her. "You showed up." She whispered. Lindsay could tell she still found it hard to breathe.

"Yeah. Jill came and chewed my ass out last night." She looked around the room. She hated that she could feel Cindy looking at her. "Look, I know I was out of line last night. And I have been beating myself up about even as I slept off the some odd beers I had last night. I couldn't get a decent nights sleep. I had far too much on my mind, and honestly, most of it concerned you. Like, why do you stick with this guy if he does this to you? Because it sure as hell isn't love. Especially not on his part."

"Linz.."

"Let me finish. Let me finish while I still have the courage to do this. More and more over the past few months, you have been in my thoughts. And that means that I care about you and that is something I am not ready to do. At first you were just an annoying reporter who managed to find her way onto multiple crime scenes and then you were a friend and now I want you to be more than a friend. I want you to get out of that apartment and away from the bastard. I want you to be safe. Even if it means you have to run halfway across the country without me to be safe. I am scared that you will ask me to save you, because I might kill him. I cannot keep my emotions in check on this because I care so much. When you said it was none of my business, I wanted to believe you. But it became my business the second I realized that I loved you. With every inch of me that breathes, I love you. And I had to get that out there, because it would have ended up driving me crazy if I kept it inside and never told you and just went around pretending like I don't care." She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes quickly. "And I promised myself I wasn't going to cry, but you look so helpless and in pain and I hate it because I can't do anything to help you."

"Yes, you can." She whispered. Lindsay looked up at her. "You're here. With me. That helps." She reached out and held onto Lindsay's hand. There was a knock on the door frame and both women looked up to see Arik standing there. If Cindy hadn't tightened her grip on her hand, Lindsay would have jumped up and shot the man where he stood. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"Look, Cin, I.." He looked at Lindsay. "Can I have a moment alone with her?"

"No. Last time you did, she ended up here." Lindsay snapped, not moving.

Arik sighed. "Cindy, I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell came over me, you know, besides hormones and arrogant jackassness. And I want another chance. Another one to make this right. To try and fix it."

"Arik, this is the, what? Ninth? No, tenth! Tenth time you have put me in the hospital with your anger." Cindy snapped. Lindsay could feel that her being in the room was making her stronger. "Thankfully this time my life wasn't in too much danger." She took a few deep, painful breaths. "So I think you need to leave."

"No. I refuse to take no for an answer. I need another chance."

"She said to leave." Lindsay said, slowly beginning to lose her temper. "Don't make me shoot you, because I will and I will have no regrets about doing so. So do not push your luck. Leave."

"I said no. You think your tough cop attitude is going to scare me off?" He said, taking a few more steps into the room. Lindsay moved to stand up but Cindy put a hand on her arm. It amazed her how just that one touch could keep her in check. "Wow, your backbone is worse than hers." He said, laughing. He looked at how Cindy was watching Lindsay. "Wait, is this the one you were falling for? The other night when you said that? You are falling for the cop? That's real brave. Someone you can safely hide behind."

"Why are you like this, Arik? Why can't you still be like the man I fell in love with? When we were nineteen. And all you did was want to give me the world? Why did you change?" Cindy asked, her voice quiet again, each word giving her pain.

"Why? Well, Cindy, I can tell you. It can change the way a man thinks when he gets into a shouting match with his girlfriend and then has to take her to the hospital for trying to slice her arms open. Makes him overbearing. Because maybe he doesn't want to lose her. He wants to keep her for himself and only himself. Sometimes he loses his temper. And he breaks what he loves. But he is always sorry. He will always be sorry, but he will never lose her." He moved closer to the bed and this time nothing Cindy could do would have stopped Lindsay from standing up.

"Leave this room right now. She is not yours anymore. You need to get out before you really piss me off." She snarled. He put his hands up in mock surrender. He slowly backed towards the door and winked at Cindy.

"I'll be around." He said, disappearing from view. Lindsay immediately turned her attention to Cindy who had her eyes closed tightly.

"Are you okay?" She whispered. "I mean, besides the obvious?"

"What did he mean by he'll be around?" Cindy said, her voice shaky.

"Well, I don't know, but I know he won't get anywhere near you. Not if he wants to stay out of a jail cell. Cindy, please, file a report on this. On everything. Restraining order. Before he can do something else to you." Lindsay said, for once pleading with the woman.

"You think that would stop him if he wanted to really hurt me? Or you? Just because you are a cop doesn't mean he will leave you alone. He knows I want you. And since you aren't him, that just gives him more reason to hate you. Besides the whole cop thing."

"Do it anyways." Lindsay said, holding onto Cindy's hand. "Just do it anyways, please."


	6. 6: Moonlit

"Three weeks and no word from him. Must be a good sign." Cindy said, smiling as she held onto Lindsay's hand as they walked out of the movie theatre. She closed her mouth at the look Lindsay gave her. "Sorry. I know I said there would be no talk of him. I don't want to ruin a perfect date. A perfect first date." She said, the smile never leaving her face. They began to walk down the street, the sun beginning to set in the distance. "You know, I have a lot I want to share, but I don't think I am ready to." She whispered.

"Well, I am not going to push you. I learnt my lesson with that." Lindsay said, putting her arm around the smaller woman's shoulders. "I am just perfectly content to walk around the city with you."

"You mean like I am a trophy?"

"Yeah. A trophy. Oh what being a bitter bitch gets you."

"You're not bitter."

"You can deny the bitch part at any time now."

"You can kind of be a bitch."

"Gee. Thanks."

"I speak the truth." She said, leaning into Lindsay. "You know something?"

"What?"

"I feel safe." She whispered. "I've never felt safe before."

"Hey, it's only because I have a gun." Lindsay replied, smiling as she held Cindy tighter. "Seriously though, I am glad you feel safe. I am glad I can make you feel safe. It means a lot to me."

"Could it be? Have I tamed the wild Lindsay Boxer?" Cindy said, laughing.

"Oh shush." She said, letting herself loosen up. They reached the bay and found a bench.

"So, you love me?"

"How many times are you going to ask me that?"

"Until I get sick of hearing the answer. Which will be..never." She whispered, leaning her head on Lindsay's shoulder and gently taking her hand in hers. "It's part of what makes me feel safe. Knowing that you are right there."

"Just think. I most likely wouldn't had Jill not felt the urge to come yell at me."

"I need to remind myself that I owe her one now." She was quiet as she observed and took in every bit of their surroundings. She wanted to remember this night forever. "Why me?" She whispered.

"What?"

"Why me? I mean, why did I have to be the one that was stuck with Arik? Why did I have to be the one who ended up in the hospital? Why did you want me?" She sat up and turned her body towards Lindsay, pulling her feet onto the bench and hugging her knees gently. "I mean, I am no where near perfect. I am no where near what you deserve."

"I think you overestimate what I deserve." Lindsay said.

"Shut up. You may think you don't deserve much, but you sure as hell deserve better than me."

"What is so bad about you?"

"Everything." She said, watching the sunset. "You think I went my whole life being as chipper as I was when you met me? I would have been murdered by the time I was twelve had that been the case."

"So, what were you like before you were Miss Chipper?" Lindsay turned her on the bench and pulled her so she was leaning back against the taller woman.

"Well, I wasn't chipper, that's for damn sure. I was more of the 'fuck off because I hate you for no apparent reason' type. I didn't have many friends, and writing was my only outlet. I thought it was a great thing when I got to go to Vassar, but college wasn't what I had expected. I thought it would be a breeze since I wrote so much. But everything got thrown for a loop when I met Arik. I just wasn't the same anymore, and it was okay at the time because I guess I thought I needed something different to happen to me. To make me grow up." She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, wishing that her ribs would just heal already so she could breathe normally. "Let's just say…" She tilted her head back to look at Lindsay. "Life wasn't good to me, and I wasn't good to me." Lindsay kissed her forehead gently. "But, that has changed. I am good to myself now."

Lindsay couldn't help but take the bait. "Explain how you weren't good to yourself. Please?"

"One day." Cindy whispered. "One day I will explain it to you, and it won't make sense, but then you'll know. You'll know why I am fragile. Why I am scared out of my mind right now." She whispered. The sun had finally set, and the bay was now basking in the glow of the moonlight. "Be good to me Lindsay. I can't handle being broken again." She closed her eyes as Lindsay wrapped her arms around her.

"I won't break you. And I most definitely will not let anyone else break you. I'll keep you safe." She whispered, gently rocking back and forth. It took her a few moment to realize that Cindy was crying, but she, for once, held her tongue and didn't prod. "Come on. Let's get you home." She said, helping Cindy stand up.

"I am scared to go back to my apartment. I realized last night that it makes weird noises. And..well..yeah."

"Is this some cheap attempt to get me to ask you if you want to stay the night? Because I was going to offer up my couch anyways. You would just have to share it with Martha." Lindsay said, smiling as they began the trek back to Lindsay's place. "One of these days, can I take you on a date where we don't walk everywhere?"

"Yeah. I guess you can." The redhead said, smiling and looking at the ground. "You make me smile, you know that? I like that quality in you."

"I do my best." Lindsay replied. She watched Cindy as they walked along, and she could almost feel her heart breaking at the pain that was in the woman's eyes. She knew she didn't deserve that kind of pain, and it only made Lindsay wonder even more about what was under the surface. She found herself wishing that she could just get in her Jeep with Cindy and drive. And not stop unless they needed gas or food. To get away from all the pain this city had caused. Just leave it all behind and start fresh somewhere else in the country. Maybe she could take her to Texas. The reporter would fit right in down there. They could get a place near Corpus Christi so they could spend lazy days at the beach. _One day, Boxer, one day. Slow your mind down. Just deal with what you have now. You have the one person you want to care about walking right next to you. That should be enough for now._ As Lindsay smiled at Cindy, she knew it was enough.


	7. 7: Bittersweet

Cindy opened her eyes and a wave of panic swept over her. She remembered falling asleep on the couch, but now she was in the Inspector's bed. She looked down at herself and saw that she was still clothed, which made her feel slightly better. She rolled over and came face to face with Martha, who licked her nose. She reached up and scratched the dogs ears as she watched Lindsay walk into the room. "Hey, you're up! You looked all scrunched up and uncomfortable on the couch, and it looked like you were hurting, so I managed to get you into here without waking you up. I slept on the couch. I also went over to your place and grabbed you some clothes and your laptop and notebooks. So, yeah." She sat down awkwardly on the edge of the bed. Cindy sat up and smiled at her.

"Well, thank you for letting me have your bed for the night." She moved over so she was sitting next to Lindsay. "So, how long am I allowed to stay?"

"As long as you want. I will even be nice and give you my bed."

Cindy sat back and frowned. "Then I would feel bad." She said. "I mean, it's your place and your bed. I would feel weird if I had it and you didn't."

"Hey, I have a big bed. Two people can fit on it. That way we share, and I can make sure you stay safe. I found myself checking on you all night."

"I feel easy." Cindy replied. "It took you what? A flashy smile to get me into your bed?"

"It's not like I am trying to get you to sleep with me." Lindsay closed her eyes the second the words left her mouth. When she opened her eyes, Cindy was staring towards the window. "I'm sorry. I didn't think before I said that." She said. She reached out to touch the woman's shoulder and she almost kicked herself when Cindy flinched away. "Cindy.." She whispered, trying to reach for the woman again. Cindy got up off the bed and went into the living room. "Stupid." Lindsay said, smacking her forehead with her palm. She quickly went into the other room and stopped when the redhead looked at her.

"I know you didn't think when you said that, but I really wish you would have. Do you even know what it is like? The fear? He had me pinned against the wall! He was going to rape me, Lindsay. If I hadn't tried to run away, he would have. He would have made it so much worse. I can deal with physical pain, seriously, I can. But emotional pain is what kills me. He caused so much in me, Linz, and I am never going to get over it. And you are going to have to deal with it at some point. It's like he planted demons in me, and one day they are all going to be released, and it scares me that I already know it will be taken out on you. And it scares me to think you might think twice about what you want when you see the real me. When you see the me that I have managed to withhold and hide for years now. Are you going to be ready for it? I don't think you are, nor will you ever be. Because if I can't even be ready for that day, how can you?" She wiped the tears from her eyes and sat down on the floor in the middle of the room. "I'm falling apart, Linz. I am a mess and a wreck and I have so much on my mind of what I would like to do, because I know it makes me feel better. But it isn't right." She said, openly crying. Lindsay sat cross legged on the floor in front of her and grabbed her hands. "I used to cut Linz. A lot." She whispered. She moved so she could remove her jeans, showing scars on her upper thighs. "It was what helped. When he would hurt me, I would lock myself in the bathroom and cause pain of my own to make his go away. Every day I that I hurt, I want to make these deeper. I want to do it not only on my legs, but on my arms. My wrists. Go somewhere and just cut and lay there and bleed. Where no one can find me so no one can save me. Because when I feel like that, I don't want to be saved. I just want it all to end!" She said, rocking back and forth on the floor, her arms crossed, nails digging into her skin. "Just end." She whispered. Lindsay wrapped her arms around the woman and held her tightly. She was silent as Cindy cried, and she was silent as Cindy calmed down. She helped the woman stand up and helped her back to the bedroom, where she tried to not smile at how cute Cindy looked as she fought with her jeans to remove them all the way. She pulled the blankets over her, and sat next to her, gently running her thumb over her cheek. She remained silent still as Cindy slowly drifted off to sleep. She thought about going into the living room to watch television until she had to leave, but Cindy had a death grip around her waist, hugging her as she would a pillow. As she listened to the younger woman's even breathing, she couldn't help but start to cry. Cindy was right. She wasn't ready. She knew that this had only been a taste of it, and it scared the hell out of her. Cindy sighed and rolled over, releasing her hold on Lindsay, and she gently slipped out of the bed, placing a soft kiss on top of the woman's head. She went and almost collapsed onto the couch, pulling Martha to her. She sat that way for two hours. When her phone buzzed, she ignored it but let Martha follow her into the bedroom. She left a note for Cindy, got Martha onto the bed and left, not caring that she was wearing the same exact thing she had worn the previous day. She made sure that the door was locked tightly. No one was going to get in there and get Cindy. And if they did, she didn't care if she went down for murder. She didn't want to see anymore hurt in Cindy's eyes and she was taking it upon herself to make that happen.


	8. 8: Third Lake

Lindsay looked around the room and noticed Cindy's laptop sitting on the couch. _At least she woke up at some point._ She thought, making her way towards the bedroom. She smiled when she saw Cindy laying on the bed with the television on, one arm wrapped around Martha. "Hey." She said, setting her badge and gun on the nightstand in their normal spot. "I see you actually got out of bed."

"Yeah. I changed into my jammies, then I sat out in the living room and did some work. I have the OK from boss man to just e-mail him everything, as long as I stick to the deadlines. Then I got bored so I came in here and put in a movie. And at some point I zonked out, so I had to restart the movie." She said, moving over a little so Lindsay could join her on the bed. "I never thought you would be the type to have a semi-extensive Horror movie collection."

"I like to laugh at how stupid the female leads are. I mean, come on, running up the stairs instead of out the front door?" Lindsay said, making herself comfortable. "I may regret asking this, but, are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah." She said. "A little."

"That's good." Lindsay shoved the dog out of the way so Cindy could snuggle in close. "So, what do you want for dinner? I am too lazy to cook, but I am an expert at ordering out." She said, smiling.

"I think some pizza would be amazing." Cindy said, putting an arm around Lindsay's waist. "As long as you don't have to move until the pizza gets here, that is." Lindsay pulled her phone out of her pocket and went about ordering the pizza while Cindy kept her focus on the movie. Once Lindsay hung up, she slunk down on the bed so she could hold Cindy closer. "I like this." She whispered. "Just laying here together. It's peaceful." She looked up at Lindsay, who had a blank look on her face. "What?" Lindsay took a deep breath and leaned in towards Cindy and gently let their mouths connect. She took it upon herself to deepen the kiss. After a moment or two, Lindsay pulled back just enough to look at Cindy's face. The redhead slowly let a smile break out on her face as she leaned in to kiss Lindsay again. She pulled away and rested her head on Lindsay's chest. Both of them knew no words needed to be said right then. Everything was how it was supposed to be in that moment. When there was a knock on the door, signaling the arrival of the pizza, Cindy reluctantly let go of Lindsay so the brunette could go get the pizza. She reappeared a few moments later with the pizza and a two-liter of pop. The two of them ate in silence and when they were both full, Cindy looked at Lindsay. "Want to know something?" She said, crawling across the bed so she had her face inches from Lindsay's.

"What?"

"I love…" She smiled. "Your bed."

"You're a goof." Lindsay said, wrapping her arms around the redhead and gently pulling her down onto the bed. Cindy leaned in close and smiled.

"You know, since you kissed me, I really don't want to stop kissing you." She whispered, her lips centimeters from Lindsay's. "Which might present a problem."

"I don't see a problem." Lindsay muttered, leaning up to connect their lips. As Lindsay let the kiss deepen, Cindy moved so she was on top of the Inspector. Lindsay couldn't help but think what a change this was from last night, but she didn't dare verbalize it. She didn't want to set the redhead off when she was finally loosening up. She was already doing her damndest to keep her hormones in check and not rip off the redheads cute Hello! Kitty pajamas. When Cindy's hands reached up under Lindsay's shirt, reality hit and she pushed the woman back. "Nu-uh. Not after your little thing last night. I am not going to let this go farther until you have some more time to mentally recover from all those years with that asshole." She said, keeping Cindy at a distance. The redhead laid on her back and stared at the ceiling. Lindsay looked at her and saw the tears in her eyes. "Oh, please, don't start crying. I didn't mean anything by it. Emotionally, you even said this yourself, you are fragile. If you weren't, trust me, I would have you undressed by now. But I am going to use some restraint because I care. That and I do not want to feel like I am taking advantage of you."

"Linz, I was on top of you! I was initiating everything! How in the hell would that be taking advantage of me?!" She yelled, sitting up. "I need a fucking drink." She mumbled, digging through her bag to find clothes. She went into the bathroom and emerged a few minutes later and began looking for her shoes. Lindsay was quiet as the redhead grabbed her purse, making sure her wallet was in it, and listened as the door slammed. It took her a moment to register what just happened and she jumped her feet and headed towards the front door. As she opened the door her phone buzzed.

"Boxer."

"Don't even think about following me." Cindy said. Lindsay could hear the mixture of anger and hurt in her voice and it made her cringe. The phone line went dead and Lindsay sat down on the couch.

"How in the hell do I get myself into these messes?" She asked, looking at Martha. The dog whimpered once and rested her head on Lindsay's knee.

------

Cindy motioned for the bartender to refill her shot glass. She hated bourbon but the taste of it made her think of Lindsay. "This seat taken?" A voice said. Cindy turned to see Arik sitting there. She made a move to get up but then decided it was easier to just sit down.

"Have a seat." She said, knocking down another shot.

"How many of those have you had?" He asked, taking a bottle of beer from the bartender.

"Enough to know I have had enough, but not enough to actually stop drinking." She replied. She looked at him. "I'm with Lindsay. I mean, not here with her, but like, with her as in we are dating. But in the past two days we have had to two fights. Almost beat our record." She said, smiling. Arik gently put his hand on her lower back. "I think about you, you know? Lindsay and I were laying in bed watching Scream, and it made me remember all the times that we would lay in our bed and watch classic scary movies." She went to stand up and almost lost her balance.

"Come on. Let me take you home." He whispered, moving closer to her. She knew she should say no. She knew she should run. Instead, she leaned into him and let him lead her out of the bar.


	9. 9: Searchlights

Cindy put one hand to her forehead and groped around the nightstand for her phone. She didn't plan on answering it, she just wanted to shut it up. She finally snagged it and ignored the call and then put it on silent. She rolled over on the bed and the previous night came flooding back to her as she saw Arik sound asleep. She quickly assessed her situation. She moved out of the bed as quickly as she could and gathered her clothes, pulling on each item as she found it. She then grabbed her phone and wallet and made her way out of the apartment. She was about to call Jill for a ride when her screen lit up. "I was just about to call you."

"Where the hell are you? Lindsay is pacing my office." Jill said.

"Can you get away and meet me at the Starbucks at 455 Market?" Cindy asked, walking towards the coffee shop. She figured in the time it took her to walk there, Jill could get rid of Lindsay and drive there. "Don't bring Lindsay with you." She added.

"I'll be there in, like, twenty minutes." Jill said, disconnecting. Cindy continued the walk to the Starbucks and she went in and got a drink while she waited for Jill. A few minutes later, Jill came in the shop, followed by Claire. They headed over to Cindy as they spotted her. "Didn't say I couldn't bring her. Okay, so technically, she invited herself when I tried to pawn Lindsay off on her. We got Jacobi to babysit her. Now what the hell is going on?" Cindy motioned them to sit down at the table. As soon as they were seated, she took a deep breath.

"I think I fucked up, but I am not going to say how, just that I think I did. Actually, I am pretty sure I did. So, basically, what I want to ask you is if you can possibly go to Lindsay's and get my things for me? Like, I can just sit in the car and hide and you can go in and grab them? Please?"

"What is going on?" Claire asked. "Does this have to do with Arik?"

"You make that question sound like I am going back to him. Which I am not, by the way. It's just, I think being with Lindsay is a mistake." She whispered.

"I will take you back to Lindsay's, but I will not help you get out of there without explaining things to her." Jill said. Cindy rolled her eyes. "Go get in my car. Now." Jill said, looking at the redhead. Cindy got up and trudged out to the blue car. She got into the backseat and Jill and Claire got in the vehicle. Jill flipped her phone open. "Yeah. Got her. We'll meet you at your place." She hung up and looked in the mirror at Cindy. "She isn't pissed, you know. She was worried about you." As they pulled up to the curb and Jill shut the car off, Claire kept a hold on Cindy's arm. At the door she passed her off to Lindsay and seemed to almost disappear as Lindsay pulled Cindy into the house.

"Where the hell did you go all night?" She demanded, tears in her eyes. Cindy didn't exactly know how to answer, so she kept her mouth shut. "I can understand walking out in anger, because believe me, I have done it, but normally you come back at some point. You don't stay out all night and then don't answer your phone when it rings. For Chrissake Cindy! I thought there may be a chance I was going to have to be looking for you at a crime scene, and not as a reporter! Arik is still out there! For all I knew, he could have come up to you and dragged you off somewhere!" She looked at Cindy, who was turning a deep shade of red as tears fell down her face. Lindsay dropped to her knees in front of her on the couch. "Honey, I care about you! Don't you get that? I mean, I know two fights in two days in the first two days of the relationship is most definitely a rocky start, but you have to give me a chance. This is new to me. I love you and I am going to worry. We are going to fight, but you know something? I don't want you to feel like you have to run off somewhere for the night because of it. I am completely willing to be shoved to the couch for the night if I mess up." She gently kissed Cindy on the forehead and continued to hold the woman's hands. "Say something."

"I'm sorry. I went to a friends house. I didn't want to come back here as drunk as I was. So I called a friend and he came and got me and I crashed on his couch. Then I had Jill, and apparently Claire, meet me at a Starbucks and they gave me a ride back here. Now, I am going to sit here and put the finishing touches on an article, okay? I am guessing you have a job to do, so why don't you go do it and we can talk more tonight." She said, pulling away from Lindsay. She didn't want to become distanced, but until she could have some time alone to process everything, she didn't want to be near anymore. Lindsay nodded and kissed her before leaving her alone with the dog. She found her laptop and took a couple of hours to completely finish off an article and once it was sent to her editor, she turned the laptop off and made her way to the bedroom. She shed her clothes, resisting the urge to throw them in the trash, and found clean undergarments and one of Lindsay's SFPD shirts and started the shower. Once she felt clean, she crawled into the bed and hugged Martha close as she cried herself to sleep. Hours later, the front door opening made her sit straight up, cause a small jolt of pain in her ribs. Her heartbeat slowed down when she realized it was only Lindsay. She looked at the clock, realizing she had been asleep for almost nine hours. She laid back down as Lindsay came in the room.

"Hey, did I wake you up?"

"Yeah." Cindy said, watching her carefully. She grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes. When she emerged, she set her badge, gun and phone on the nightstand and crawled into the bed and pulled Cindy to her. "Hard day?"

"I just want to lay here in silence and hold you, okay?" Lindsay whispered, her voice strained. "It was a bad day."


	10. 10: Fearless

_She looked so much like her. The red-hair, the small frame. Her perfect lips, sewn shut. Was this a warning?_ Lindsay rolled over in the bed and sat up. Sweat was covering her body. The last thing she had expected to be called in for that morning had been Kiss-Me-Not. Actually, she hadn't expected the victim to look so much like Cindy. She looked to her side and exhaled when she saw that Cindy was sound asleep. She pulled herself off of the bed and slowly made her way into the kitchen to get a glass of cold water. As she leaned against the counter, she closed her eyes to steady herself. Warm arms being wrapped around her made her open her eyes. She smiled down at Cindy. "You looked like you could use a hug." She whispered. Even in the dark kitchen, Lindsay could see tears on Cindy's face.

"What's wrong?"

"Honestly? I had a nightmare." She said, smiling. "It just kinda freaked me out and made me cry." She held tighter to Lindsay. "Are you going to share why you had a bad day?"

"You're a reporter. I am sure you will hear about eventually. Hell, you might be assigned to do the story on it." Lindsay said.

"Was it that bad?" Cindy asked. She tried to pull away but Lindsay held her tightly.

"Yes." She whispered. "It was. And I don't want to think about it right now. Come on. Let's go back to bed." She pulled Cindy along with her, stopping in the hallway to place a light kiss on the top of her head. She watched her crawl into the bed and make herself comfortable. She sat down on the edge of the bed and put her head in her hands. "Kiss-Me-Not struck again." She whispered.

"What?" Cindy said, moving so she had her head resting on Lindsay's knee and she was looking up at her. "Is that why you can't sleep?"

"Cindy, the victim looked so much like you. Like, it was a warning or something. Like he knows how much I care about you, and he is playing off of that." She said, avoiding the redheads eyes. "Stupid, right?"

"Linz, he might be." She whispered. "If he wants to hurt you, wouldn't that mean going after who you care about the most? It makes sense. So maybe it's good I am keeping myself locked up in your place."

"He can get in here if he wants to. And that scares me. I am scared that one day, I am going to come home, and you won't be here and I will be out there looking for your body. I don't want that to happen."

"So distance yourself from me." Cindy said.

"No. I will not do that. Not with Arik out there lurking somewhere. Besides, if I let you go, you might never come back to me." She said, laying down. Cindy laid next to her, using her shoulder as a pillow. "I wish I was fearless." She whispered.

"Fearless isn't a way to want to live, Linz. You have to have fears. It's what makes us human. You have to have those fears. The fear of losing. The fear of living. It's all a circle that bring us back to the beginning. I have imagined my life without fear, and you want to know what it felt like? It felt like I would be stuck with Arik forever because I wasn't scared of him. I wasn't scared of what he could do to me. If we were all fearless, can you imagine what the world would be like? It would be chaos. No one would be scared to do anything. No one would fear the repercussions of their actions. Jails would be overfilled, the world would be a mess. We have fears, Linz. And when we need to be scared, it's okay to admit it. I am scared of Arik and what he can do to me still. And I know you are scared that you are going to lose me. I can't promise that won't happen, because I don't have that kind of power, but you know something? I am not going to sit here and dwell on it. I am not going to dwell on the fact that my abusive ex-boyfriend is out there. I am not going to dwell on the fact that there is a chance a serial killer will try to kill me. Because if I sat here and dwelled on each of those things, it would drive me insane. It would consume me. The way, the apparently, this whole Kiss-Me-Not thing consumed you when you were married. It could consume my mind, and then I would be nowhere with no one. And if you let this whole thing consume you again, I don't know how I can help you. So stop wishing you were fearless, and live for what you have right now, fears and all. Because it all comes down to this exact moment. You don't think about what you did and what you could have done. Because if you had the chance to go back and if you were to change one cough or sneeze, everything is different. It changes it all. I know you want nothing more than to make this whole Kiss-Me-Not thing disappear, but do you know what you happen if it disappeared? You would still be married to Tom. I wouldn't be in your life. Would you like your life then, Lindsay? Would it make you happy? Knowing that you didn't have a maniacal serial killer out there somewhere? Knowing that you had a safe house to come to every single night? Would you be happy then? Because all I want to do is to make you smile, and between all of this fighting and drama, I have barely been able to do that. And it makes me wonder if this is all a mistake. It makes me want to go back and change something to throw me out of your life so I am not just another soul for you to fret over. I know when you are out there and have to end up chasing a suspect down, that your life is in danger. Because at any given moment they can pull out a gun and you're gone. I live with the fear. So, please Linz, just forgo all of this acting brave shit. Because you are not fooling me for a second. I can look in your eyes and tell that you are scared so why don't you just break down now and get it over with? Because right now you have my arms to fall into. You don't have the cold sympathy of your sheets. You have a living, breathing human whose heart aches for you. You can cry on my shoulder. So break down." She finished in a whisper, looking at Lindsay with tears in her eyes. "I am sitting here begging you Linz. Break down and get it out of your system."


	11. 11: Complexus

Cindy gently slid off of the bed, letting Lindsay sprawl out over the covers. She quickly changed and kissed Lindsay's forehead before heading out into the early morning world. The sun wasn't even up yet, and she found herself driving. She didn't know where to, just somewhere. She was only somewhat shocked to find herself parked across the street from the apartment where she knew Arik was in right now. She turned her car off and took a few breaths. _He is almost as bad as a drug. I just cannot stay away._ She thought, mentally kicking herself. If Lindsay found out she was here, she didn't even want to think of the reaction. She turned her car back on and pulled out of the spot and forced herself to continue driving. She looked at the clock on her stereo and hoped that by the time she reached Claire's house, by some miracle the woman would be awake. When she had her car off in front of the house, she pulled out her phone and looked through the phonebook for her number. On the second ring, she picked up. "Please tell me I didn't wake you up."

"Well, you did. But I was about to get up anyways. What's wrong?"

"Can you come out front and talk to me? I could really use someone to talk to." She said, getting out of the car.

"I'll be out in five minutes." Claire said, then disconnected. Cindy sat down on the front steps and waited. When Claire joined her, she was quiet for another moment.

"Remember when you said to trust you with my secrets and everything?" Claire nodded. "Well, if I tell you one of my secrets, can you swear to me that you will not tell a soul? Especially Lindsay?"

"I promise I won't tell. Not even Linz. This must be a bad thing, if you don't want her to know."

"It has to do with the whole being picked up from across town thing." She said. "I need to tell someone, but I can't tell Lindsay. You are pretty much my only choice."

"Tell away."

"When Linz and I got into that fight, I left and I went out to one of my favorite bars. I was completely over my normal limit of alcohol when Arik showed up. I felt a twinge of nostalgia over something, and decided I should go home. Home to Lindsay. When I stood up, I was almost falling down. Arik took me back to the apartment. From there, I really do not feel like elaborating on what happened, but I think you can get it from the fact that I didn't get home until you and Jill dropped me off. And it's eating at me now. And that mixed with the fact that Lindsay now thinks that Kiss-Me-Not is after me to get to her, it's stressing me out."

"You slept with him?"

"Why did you have to dwell on that part of it? Why not the whole stress part?"

"Because you slept with your ex-boyfriend. Who happened to have put you into the hospital three weeks ago!" Claire said, looking at the redhead. "Will you ever tell Lindsay?"

"No. I think it would break her heart. And I don't want to be the cause of it. I don't think she has to know. It's not like I did it intentionally. I mean, I was drunk."

"That doesn't change the fact that you knew who you were with, and you knew how he had treated you. You knew that you should have stayed away from him. Staying away from him does not mean falling into his bed."

"I know it doesn't, okay? I don't need the third degree here."

"Maybe you might." Claire said, standing up. "Why don't you go talk to Lindsay." She went into her house, and Cindy looked at the closed door for almost five minutes before she went back to her car. She drove back to Lindsay's, staying only long enough to get her laptop and notebooks before heading in to the Register. As she sat down at her desk, she had to resist the urge to cry.

---

Lindsay looked at her watch as she walked up to her front door. It was almost eight at night and Cindy wasn't home. From the looks of the inside of the house, she hadn't been home at all that day. She sat on the couch with the television on and finally, at almost midnight, the front door opened and Cindy came into the room, putting her jacket and bag on the chair. "Oh, you're still up." She said, going down the hallway to the bedroom. Lindsay resisted the urge to follow and kept her focus solely on the television. Near a half an hour later, Cindy came back into the room now wearing her pajamas and her hair in a towel. "I actually did work at work today." She said, sitting on the couch next to Lindsay. "I mean, I left here early, then went to talk to Claire for a little bit then swung back by here to get my notebooks and junk, but then I went in and I think I left my desk, maybe, like, once."

"Somehow, that doesn't shock me." Lindsay said, her voice tight.

"What's wrong?"

"I didn't like coming home to an empty house. You think I would be used to it, but I'm not. I was really hoping that you would have been here. I needed you."

"You could have called me and I would have come home."

"Do you really think of here as home?" Lindsay asked quietly. She desperately wanted the answer to be a yes.

"I do, actually. Because I sleep here. I feel safe here. I eat here. And my toothbrush is here." Cindy replied, smiling. Lindsay put her arm around her shoulders. "Plus, I get to come here, to you, and that just makes it home. They say home is where your heart it. Mine is here. With you." She said. "And Martha." She added, reaching across Lindsay to scratch the dogs ears.

"Then when do I escort you to your old place so you can get the rest of your stuff?"

"I have no idea. Because I don't know when Arik is there and when he isn't." _And meanwhile, back in reality, you know damn well when he is home and when he isn't. You just don't want to set foot in that apartment again._ She thought. Slamming the door on her conscience, she looked at Lindsay. "We can try for tomorrow afternoon? It's Saturday, so he might go out somewhere with some of his buddies." Lindsay nodded.

"Then tomorrow afternoon it is." She said, smiling. She leaned over and gently kissed Cindy. "I am glad you are home. Can we go to bed now? I'm tired." Cindy stood up and pulled Lindsay behind her as she went down the hallway to the bedroom. Before they could lie down, Cindy pressed herself against Lindsay and gave her a passionate kiss.

"And this time, if you try to stop me from taking advantage of you, I am cuffing you to the bedposts." She said, pushing Lindsay onto the bed.


	12. 12: Epoison

Lindsay pulled Cindy closer to her and yawned before she opened her eyes. When she actually looked at the redhead, she was greeted with a kiss. "Morning." She whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" Cindy asked, smiling.

"I don't really know. Maybe to not wake the dog?"

"The dog is in the other room. Next excuse?"

"Shut up." Lindsay whispered, kissing her. "Least I didn't have to be handcuffed to the bedposts."

"Pity. I was kinda looking forward to that happening." Cindy replied, smirking. "Maybe some other time." She frowned as Lindsay's phone began buzzing. "It's Saturday!" She whined as Lindsay reached for the phone.

"Boxer." She looked apologetically at Cindy. "Yeah, I'll be there in thirty." She said, closing the phone. "I'm sorry. When I get home, we can go by your apartment. Okay?" Cindy nodded and tried to keep her composure. Lindsay reluctantly crawled out of the bed and headed into the bathroom. When she emerged, Cindy was in the living room eating a bowl of cereal, looking far younger than her twenty-seven years with the way she had her hair pulled up and the pajamas certainly weren't helping. For the first time in the past month, Lindsay finally saw that Cindy didn't ooze innocence anymore. She had finally grown up. _She has been grown up, Linz. You just haven't seen it until now._ "Hey. You gonna be okay by yourself today?"

She looked up and forced a smile. "I'll be fine. I am a big kid now, you know." She laughed as Lindsay rolled her eyes. "Have any idea when you will be home?"

"Sadly, no I don't. But I will call and keep you updated." She kissed the top of Cindy's head as she left. The redhead leaned back on the couch and took a few breaths to calm herself down. She had to tell Lindsay about Arik at some point. She just knew she would. But she had no idea how to tell her. All of the ways she envisioned trying ended up with Lindsay's gun in her face. She knew the woman wouldn't actually threaten to shoot her, but the thought and fear were still there. She might threaten to kill Arik. That could reduce a threat by one right there. Almost tempting. She thought of playing it off as rape, but she knew she couldn't get away with it since she had every bit to do with it as he did. She took her bowl into the kitchen and rinsed it out and debated going out somewhere for the day. There was a knock on the door and she cautiously moved towards it. Not many people knew she was here, and someone knocking truly scared her. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Jill.

"Hey." She said, opening the door. She moved aside to let the blonde woman in.

"Lindsay here?"

"Nope. Got a call, then left."

"Good. I have to talk to you."

"About?"

"Getting a restraining order against Arik." She said, sitting down. "I think it might be a good idea. Since he is still out there somewhere."

"I don't know. I would want to talk it over with Lindsay." She said, sitting in one of the chairs. "I mean, it is something that I would really want her input on and everything." _Plus, him staying away from me isn't the problem. It's me staying away from him._ She thought, biting on her lip. "But yeah, thanks for your concern." She added, attempting a smile.

"Cindy.." Jill said. She sighed at the adamant look the redhead gave her. "Fine. But let me know when you come to a decision. I have the form."

"Whatever." She said. Jill looked at her carefully.

"What's been up with you lately? Linz says you have been in mood swing major."

"What? Am I not allowed to have emotions now?" She said, standing up. "Do you have any idea how long I have had to pretend to just be happy and had to fight back all these mood swings?"

"Do you know how hard Lindsay has to pretend to be okay with them?!" Jill yelled, standing up and matching Cindy's tone. "Half of the time, you treat her like she is just a random piece of junk that you can just toss off to the side when you get pissy. You don't realize how much it hurts her, how much it affects her!"

"Well, jeez, it sounds like you know her and care about her more than I do. Why don't you go fuck her since you obviously think I don't treat her right! You can have her, if you want, Jill. Because if my being with her is going to mean that you and Claire can dictate how I treat Linz, then I don't want any part of it!" She yelled. Jill looked at her, dumbfounded. Without saying another word, she left Cindy alone in the house. The redhead let the tears fall as she went into the bedroom and gathered as much of her stuff as she could find. After grabbing her laptop, she threw everything into her car and took a few deep breaths. She went back into the house and found a piece of paper and sat at the table.

_Linz,_

_As cliché as it sounds, by the time you read this I won't be here. I don't know where I will be. I might drive north and I might drive south. I haven't decided yet. I need to get away, because you obviously don't need me if all I do is treat you like dirt. At least, according to Jill, that is how I treat you. At some point, when I can get myself in check and know what I want, I might come back. But I don't expect you to wait around for me. Maybe you should try Jill. She seems to care about you more than I could. Good riddance, for now._

_Cindy_

She taped the note to the fridge before locking up and leaving. As she neared the edge of San Francisco, she decided to head North. She didn't know where she was going to go, but anywhere was better than that God-Forsaken city. As she got farther and farther from the city where Lindsay was, the more she felt the urge to cry. The farther away, the more she could feel her heart breaking. She was going to regret this, but she had to leave. She had to find herself. And for once, she wasn't going to have anything standing in her way.


	13. 13: From In The Forest Cascadia

--- One Month Later ---

Cindy pulled up in front of the house and watched the three women on the porch. She turned off the car and when she closed the door, the three looked up at her. "Cin.." Lindsay almost ran to the redhead. She stopped a foot short and looked her over. "Come here." She whispered, pulling her to her and wrapping her arms around her. Cindy couldn't help but return the hug and smile at Claire and Jill as they walked over. "Are you home?"

"Are you still mine?" She whispered.

"Always." Lindsay whispered. "I have to talk to you about that, by the way. But for right now.." Her voice trailed off as she noticed something different in Cindy's eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Later." She said, turning to give Claire a hug. She then faced Jill. "Friends?"

"Friends." She said, hugging her. "Although, I may have to kill you for leaving Lindsay with us. She was a nightmare."

"Only for the first two weeks!" Lindsay protested, grabbing Cindy's hand. "And I wasn't that much of a nightmare, was I?" She asked, looking at Claire.

"Well, Jill, I think we should leave these two alone so they can catch up." She said, quickly moving towards her car. Jill gave Cindy another hug and made her way to her own car. Lindsay led Cindy into the house and sat her on the couch.

"So, how was your impromptu vacation?" She asked, letting Cindy get comfortable in her arms.

"Uneventful. I managed to somehow keep my job. Still not sure on how I did that. But I went and visited a friend up in Sacramento."

"This whole time you were only two hours from me?"

"Yeah. I know I could have..well, should have called, but I really needed the time away. It gave me time to think about a lot of things. Like, I came to the realization that I am head over heels in love with you. And that you mean more to me than I originally thought. And I thought about what Jill said. I was treating you like shit. All you were doing was trying to care and I was brushing it all off. I've never had someone care for me like you do. And it's so new and scary to me."

"You didn't treat me like shit. I just didn't exactly express every emotion properly. I didn't when I was married to Tom and sure as hell didn't with you. I am not the best at relationships. But I want to get better. And I want to get better at it with you. Promise me you will never run off like that again."

"I promise I won't."

"Now tell me why you look different. There was something in your eyes that wasn't normal. It was darker." She whispered, holding Cindy close.

"When I said I had a lot to think about, it wasn't just you. It was stuff that I have done that I was hoping to keep buried deep down and never to tell, but now that seems almost impossible to do. I faced down demons I hadn't seen in years. And I had to bring up some I never wanted to see again. I can tell you this though. Arik will not be an issue anymore. I called him out there last week and I sat down with him and had a nice long talk. He agreed to back off and let me just live with you without having to worry about him. I believe him. By the way, he is getting help for his drinking. At my insistence. That was always part of the problem was his drinking."

"You're getting off topic."

"Sorry. Anyways, I did a lot of thinking. And I realized that while you said you love me, and always will, I highly doubt that after today you will. Because I am going to tell you something that will crush you. And it will in turn, crush me. But I have to tell you, because if I didn't, I wouldn't be being honest with you or myself. I can't pretend it didn't happen, and I can't change the fact that it did happen. So I have to live with it. I have to live with the mistake and the repercussions of that mistake, with or without you."

"Cindy, to be honest, you are scaring me." Lindsay sat up and looked at the redhead. She seemed smaller than normal, and her face had a look of pain. "Go on."

"Remember when we had the one fight, and I stormed out of here? Well, I went to a bar. And when I told you that I went to a friends house, that was only semi-truth. I was hammered, and I was going to leave to come back to you, and Arik showed up. The way he looked at me, it was nothing but love. I realized then that even with everything he has done to me, on some level he does love me. So we talked. And when I actually did stand up to leave, he caught me as I almost fell down. He said he was going to take me home, and I knew I should have refused, but he was holding me so carefully and it felt right. We went back to the apartment, and I just let every single wall down. We talked and talked and I told him my fears and he listened. The next thing I knew, we were kissing and it led to the bedroom." She averted her eyes from Lindsay's gaze as tears began falling down her face.

"You didn't.." Lindsay whispered.

"It just seemed so right to do. I loved him and he loved me. So we did. And I didn't think anything of it after I got the third degree about it from Claire. Well, I didn't think of it until a week ago." She stood up and moved to the other side of the room. "I was really hoping that I could just forget about it. Because it was such a big mistake. And then last week, I just felt like plain shit when I woke up, and it was that way for three days in a row. I couldn't keep food down, and it was beginning to worry me. I convinced my friend that I was just a little under the weather. I tried to convince myself of the same, but that didn't happen." Cindy looked at the tears in Lindsay's eyes. She knew the confession she had just made must have broken the Inspector's heart, and she dreaded the next thing she had to say. "Linz, I'm pregnant."


End file.
